nothing to say

I found myself at a funeral this morning. My roomate's father died this past Saturday from a struggle with cancer. It was a Catholic funeral, which is always just a little foreign for me since I am not Catholic. However, despite the differences in litergy it made me weep. I don't understand all the pain in the world. I wish that I knew what to say right now. I wish I could help my friend more. I wish that people didn't die. I wish that we didn't have to grieve the loss of someone that we love...but it is part of life. Somehow it always overcomes me with sadness and a sense of awe that life is never really ours to control. We are going to die someday and we can't do anything to stop that. My grandparents will die, my parents will die, my children will die (if I ever have any). Someday, hopefully later rather than sooner, I will die as well.
I don't mean for this blog to be so depressing, but this is what I am wading through right now. Life is never ours to orchestrate. We act so many times like it is all under our control, but it's not. This time of life always challenges my faith as well. Do I really believe what I say I believe enough to state my life on it? I say that I do, but there is always a seed of doubt or disbelief in the back of my mind tempting me to say that I can go through life on my own. Lord help me make sense of this all.