i'm a bloggin slacker
So I realize that since moving to Miami I haven't blogged as much as I used to in Cincy. Well, to start, I don't sit in front of a computer as much as I did in Cincy. So back off!! Just kidding.
The truth is that this has probably been one of the most confusing and frustrating orientations of my life. I haven't even had the words to describe how I have felt or what is going on. Hurricanes have caused delays and miscommunications. It was only today that I finally sat down with my supervisor and nailed down my job responsibilities. I have only been able to get to the music school, that I am supposedly in charge of, one Saturday out of five. I still have so much more to learn about why I am here and what I am supposed to be doing. There is this anxious feeling in the pit of my stomach that I can't shake.
There is so much of me that just wants to come in for a year and be the best intern that has ever come through the program. I would wip the music school into shape and have it be the best outreach ministry in Miami. I would make a big scene and everyone would love me and I would feel useful. But it would all be useless. It would all be smoke and mirrors and my heart wouldn't be in it. It would only be the shell of a person who is struggling to feel passion for anything right now. It would all just be for show.
The truth is that I really care for the people that are involved in the music school. I especially see a need for a strong woman role model for many of these girls. But I don't know if I can do this. I feel so lost in Miami, so not fully myself that the thought of being someone's role model is extremely intimidating. I know that leaders have faults as well and I need to be vulnerable in order to be an honest leader in this situation, but I'm sad and I feel useless and I really just want to be by myself most of the time.
Maybe it will just take time to be happy here and to feel like myself again. But right now everything is a battle and I wear out pretty quickly. I'm just not sure if I can do this. Maybe that's the point.
The truth is that this has probably been one of the most confusing and frustrating orientations of my life. I haven't even had the words to describe how I have felt or what is going on. Hurricanes have caused delays and miscommunications. It was only today that I finally sat down with my supervisor and nailed down my job responsibilities. I have only been able to get to the music school, that I am supposedly in charge of, one Saturday out of five. I still have so much more to learn about why I am here and what I am supposed to be doing. There is this anxious feeling in the pit of my stomach that I can't shake.
There is so much of me that just wants to come in for a year and be the best intern that has ever come through the program. I would wip the music school into shape and have it be the best outreach ministry in Miami. I would make a big scene and everyone would love me and I would feel useful. But it would all be useless. It would all be smoke and mirrors and my heart wouldn't be in it. It would only be the shell of a person who is struggling to feel passion for anything right now. It would all just be for show.
The truth is that I really care for the people that are involved in the music school. I especially see a need for a strong woman role model for many of these girls. But I don't know if I can do this. I feel so lost in Miami, so not fully myself that the thought of being someone's role model is extremely intimidating. I know that leaders have faults as well and I need to be vulnerable in order to be an honest leader in this situation, but I'm sad and I feel useless and I really just want to be by myself most of the time.
Maybe it will just take time to be happy here and to feel like myself again. But right now everything is a battle and I wear out pretty quickly. I'm just not sure if I can do this. Maybe that's the point.
posted by Juliet at
1:12 AM
4 Comments:
I appreciate your thoughts . . . I think it really helps to get them all out there so you can truly see what God is doing. I do sympathize with you as far as finding a passion . . . I too am on the journey of discovery. Take care!
By
Jarretts, at 12:57 PM
Well, I was beginning to think you didn't make it through the hurricanes! But I'm glad you survived. But that sounds like that's what you're doing right now, surviving. Juliet, know that God doesn't want you to merely survive, but to thrive. But I think you were on to something when you said, "I'm just not sure I can do it. Maybe that's the point." I'm praying that God will refresh your heart, soul and mind. Love ya!
By
Anonymous, at 4:26 PM
This brings back many memories. The truth is, by the end of my year with the YAV's I only had a handful of experiences that I walked away feeling good about. The funny thing though is that now two years later I see it as one of the most life changing times for me. Inner city ministry is draining, especially at first. Its funny, whenever one takes a short term mission trip to help a ministry in the inner city, its an awesome well run program. Too bad those are few and far between. There aren't very many good leaders left and it sounds like you would agree that the ones still there are frustratingly overburdened. I mostly felt like a relief pitcher for my supervisor. You'll quickly learn to cope though and thrive off the relationships with the kids. Thats really the only thing worth remembering after its all done anyways.
By the way, you've got me beat on the bloggin over the past couple months, 6 to 0.
By
Anonymous, at 5:09 PM
Hey, you up for a visit in a few weeks when I'm back in Florida again? I'm sorry about your struggles...know that I am praying for you and feeling your pain. I have been there...several times...hitting a wall and not having people who understand you. I'll bring some beautiful Illinois leaves with me!! :-) love you!
By
flowergirl, at 8:20 PM
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