i hate money

I'm not in a very good mood right now, unfortunatly. I have just found out that my account at 5/3 is frozen and my electronically debited student loan is now officially overdue. I'm sure it's not as big a deal as it sounds and that it will all get taken care of and that everything will work out fine, but I can't help but feel a little defeated. Right now i am living on a VERY fixed budget and I can't afford to make any financial mistakes that may cost me any extra money (i.e. missing payments and making late fees). When news like this comes I feel utterly helpless and unprepared and incompetent and I hate it!!! It's times like this that make waitressing sound appealing becuase I could work one night and make up for any financial gliches. However, this time I can't rely on myself to fix this problem. I know that I will learn a lot, but I don't like it. I like being able to fix things, especially when it comes to myself. I like being self-sufficient and not having to rely on anyone or anything else. "This goddess can and will stay intact!" For those of you who aren't Katharine Hepburn fans, that is a quote from the Philidelphia Story. But it is in our weakness that God's grace and providence is made clearer. Now matter how much we like to do it all ourselves, sometimes he'll give us a little kick to remind us of who is in charge. Ouch! I get it.

why am i still awake?

Seriously, it's 2:30 am and I am wide awake. I am more awake now than I was at say....6pm! Maybe it's the cuban coffee racing through my veins (honestly I think they put speed in that stuff or something). Maybe it's the fact that I didn't get out of bed until about 11am. Maybe it's becuase I am becoming some sort of nocturnal freak who, after a certain amount of time, will have the same sleeping patterns as my chinchilla or the rats who inhabit our roof. Or maybe, just maybe, God wants to keep me up so that I can battle these demons called anxiety.

It's been a month since I last freaked out about grad school apps, so I guess a good freak out session is due about.....let's see.....NOW. It's been a month and I am still no closer to knowing the where or when or how of the next year of my life. Do I fill out these applications with the vague sense that graduate school is the logical succession in a carreer of help services, more specifically social work, or do I wait for more clarity? Is this an issue of trust that God will provide what I need when I need it, or is this a test to see if I will impose my will and desire upon His design for my life? I have no idea. All I know is that whenever I think about these dreaded applications I want to employ everything in my power to avoid it for just a little bit longer. "Maybe the situation will resolve itself," I think. Well, if I don't apply soon the situation will resolve itself clearly in one direction- no opportunity for any graduate assistance...meaning massive debt for a profession that will never lead me to wealth of any sort. So pray for me my blog-reading friends. I need some resolution, and I need it quickly. Lord help me I just don't know what to do.

i'm not quite dead yet

Anyway, things are going a lot smoother here now, I am VERY happy to say. I came back from a retreat that we (all the national volunteers) had in Colorado and I had a lot more peace and encouragment about my situation here. It was just nice to vent to people who knew my situation and understood that my ministry here is difficult and really hard work sometimes. It made me feel like I wasn't alone or that I wasn't catching on, but that it would be hard for anyone and I have a lot of support! Plus I just really had awesome time with God and got to straighten some things out on that end that brought me great peace. It was phenominal. I think that I want to move to Colorado! I love it out there so much. It's so peaceful and open. The air is cleaner and there are trees and wild animals....and no traffic and lights and noise and Spanish-speaking people everywhere! And absolutely no hurricanes!
But that retreat was two weeks ago now and I have been running here ever since. I think that I have the hang of things as far as the music school goes and I'll have it fine-tuned soon enough. The best thing is the people here. I get to hang out with really funny musicians almost every night, sometimes until 4am! I also love my roomates. There are four of us, all women, in a fairly large house and I love it. Now we have a new addition....our puppy Gustavo, Gus for short. They are the reason that I didn't pack up and ship back to Chicago during my first month here. We get together and watch movies and eat chocolate chip pancakes or cookie dough and talk about life here and the things that are going well, and the things that suck. It reminds me of college when the B-1 girls would all get together and have deep discussions about life or just rant about absolutely nothing. Community is so important to me and I feel like I have a great one here in Miami. What a huge blessing!

Thanks to all of you who sent encouragement to me during this transition. I really needed it! I have the best friends ever!

More later, but right now I have to actually work. Whatever.

i'm a bloggin slacker

So I realize that since moving to Miami I haven't blogged as much as I used to in Cincy. Well, to start, I don't sit in front of a computer as much as I did in Cincy. So back off!! Just kidding.

The truth is that this has probably been one of the most confusing and frustrating orientations of my life. I haven't even had the words to describe how I have felt or what is going on. Hurricanes have caused delays and miscommunications. It was only today that I finally sat down with my supervisor and nailed down my job responsibilities. I have only been able to get to the music school, that I am supposedly in charge of, one Saturday out of five. I still have so much more to learn about why I am here and what I am supposed to be doing. There is this anxious feeling in the pit of my stomach that I can't shake.

There is so much of me that just wants to come in for a year and be the best intern that has ever come through the program. I would wip the music school into shape and have it be the best outreach ministry in Miami. I would make a big scene and everyone would love me and I would feel useful. But it would all be useless. It would all be smoke and mirrors and my heart wouldn't be in it. It would only be the shell of a person who is struggling to feel passion for anything right now. It would all just be for show.

The truth is that I really care for the people that are involved in the music school. I especially see a need for a strong woman role model for many of these girls. But I don't know if I can do this. I feel so lost in Miami, so not fully myself that the thought of being someone's role model is extremely intimidating. I know that leaders have faults as well and I need to be vulnerable in order to be an honest leader in this situation, but I'm sad and I feel useless and I really just want to be by myself most of the time.

Maybe it will just take time to be happy here and to feel like myself again. But right now everything is a battle and I wear out pretty quickly. I'm just not sure if I can do this. Maybe that's the point.