sometimes i'm really stupid

all i have to say is God is great and i am stupid. i think sometimes that i have it all together...only to realize that i am very capable of falling into the same traps over and over again. thank God for grace. Amen.

keeping pace

I had a really good impromtu conversation with a friend last night while driving through the endless state that is Indiana. Seriously...perhaps Nebraska or Kansas are more boring, but I don't have to drive through those states on a semi-regular basis. I wish that I had one of those transmitters from Star Trek and Scottie could beam me up from Chicago to Cincinnati without all the hassle of Indiana. Anyway, the conversation was mostly about her recent college graduation. I asked her the dreaded question: so what are you planning on doing now? The harsh reality of that question is often very overwhelming for a recent grad. You have spent years and countless hours in school and now...where do you go from here? Often times there is that disillusionment process where one realizes the world is not as you thought it would be. I know that I had that panic. So to stall from reality I decided to hop into grad school right away. Which wouldn't have been a bad idea if I had really known what I was signing myself up for in the first place. After that short but painful experience of realizing that I had made a mistake, I faced the same daunting quetion: so what are you planning on doing now?
For the longest time I felt as though I had to make something up to satisfy the curiousity of the people who were asking me. Well, after taking some time off I plan on going to such and such prestigious university or I plan on moving to such and such exotic location or I plan on solving world hunger or something of the like. I felt this consuming need to feel as though I was keeping pace with the world around me. Even though I had left my grad program I was going to land on my feet in spectacular fashion and continue running this race towards success. I would not stumble, or atleast I wouldn't let those around me know that I really needed a break. I would keep running, keep pushing myself until I really did catch up with everyone else involved in this imaginary social standings race.
However, after about six months of making stuff up I decided it wasn't worth it. I began to answer people honestly that I really didn't know what I was doing next. If they were still curious I would tell them about grad school and my interestes and hopes for the future. But I came to learn an important lesson. This "race" to which I refer does exist in the professional world, but it's not that important. You can change your mind and the world does not fall apart. You can be unsure and realize that you are not alone...that most people are unsure. If you are a Christian, than the rules and standards of this world don't apply to you. God doesn't care if you are "on pace" with your life plan, or even that you have a life plan. God only cares that you serve him and that you are seeking him in everything that you do. If that happens to be making coffee (like me) than do that until you hear a different call.
I guess this was part me venting and part me attempting to encourage those around who feel the pressure of success weighing upon them to let it go. Keeping pace is useless if that pace isn't God's.

ever wish you were rich?

WOW...how do you follow up a blog when all your friends write pages in comments? With something shallow and superficial..that's how. So I pose another question: (seeing as how we have pondered singledom enough)Have you ever wished you were rich?
I have. I say this for two reasons. One, becuase there are so many things that I want to do or so many places that I want to visit that it would be convenient to afford it. Two, becuase I don't like working. Simple as that. If I were rich I could pay off all my friends and families debt. I could visit everyone whenever I felt like it. I could eat out and not feel guilty. I could pay for my friends to eat out and not feel guilty.
Let's look at the positive. I am glad that I am not rich becuase I'm positive that I would get way too attached to materialistic needless items like an automatic smoothie maker that also creates the perfect chai latte and magically cleans your kitchen as well...or something of the sort. I would be even more selfish than I am naturally. I would expect people to do things for me. But most of all I would think that I wouldn't need Jesus as much as I really do. I truly believe that he meant what he said about the rich man getting into heaven being as hard as a camel going through the eye of a needle. People who have everything that they think they need/want have little room to admit or understand that they need Jesus. I am simply a weak-willed person and would get swept up in wealth too easily. Praise God for knowing my limitations better than I do.
Okay...so that ended up being not-so-shallow or superficial. What can I say? I'm deeper than I thought.

calling all single women

Alright ladies...this is meant to be a forum for discussion on a topic that I have been sorting through for quite some time. WHAT IS A SINGLE WOMAN'S ROLE IN THE CHURCH?

Here are my thoughts. I have discussed this many times with my roomate and have talked in circles for hours with her. My role as it is right now seems to be the "go-to girl". Seeing as how most of the women in our church are either 1. college students 2. wives 3. mothers or 4. career women it leaves me as a person with free time. I enjoy this role as I feel helpful, but in my mind the excuse that I have two jobs still leaves me feeling guilty when I don't help out as much as possible with the church. I'm not saying that other people don't serve, but many just have other responsibilities (i.e. lives of their own). I am therefore left in this in-between sub-culture of non-student, non-married, non-parent people without careers. I enjoyed that sentence because I used as many hyphanated words as I could. It is an odd feeling many times and I have tried to find my niche that helps me feel not so left out but it is very hard to relate.
Many times I feel as though I am missing something required to enjoy this club called "church"(like a husband or a kid). This feeling is not isolated to the church, but in the real world there are other people like me who are in this awkward in-between life stages stage. I just wish I knew where they are in the church....do they exist? Are there young un-married, non-student, non-career adults in the church? Where have they all gone? There were in our youth groups in high school, or our bible studies in college, and then they fall off the face of the earth. Until they have kids and decide that their children should go to church becuase that is what families do. Are we in the church so worried about "keeping up appearances" that we are not real? Are non-Christians intimidated becuase they do not have picture perfect lives and they will not fit in to our sub-culture?
Most of the time I feel as though the mid-American Christian Church still lives in the 1950's where women may go to college if they wish, but never really do anything with their education. I will shamelessly plug Mona Lisa Smile to reference this 1950's ideal. Within the church, women are expected to fulfill their God-given roles of wives and mothers and they are allowed to do ministry within the church if they are working with children, or under the supervision of a man. This may be a psuedo-feminine and product child of the 80's viewpoint...but I believe it's true for most mid-western middle class churches. I know that many of you are somewhat in this same position and I take comfort knowing that I am not alone in my struggle....but drop me a line and tell me if you feel the same tension.

a long days journey into night

Yesterday was quite a long day for me. I'm not talking about the "work both jobs till your ready to pass out busy," but an emotionally busy day. I'm still feeling the aftermath of it today. I finally accomplished the seemingly impossible of sending out the remainder of my support letters. It was a great feeling, but I was also nervous. I have been so consumed with the process of the actual letters that I really didn't think about the results- will the $6000 that I need come in? But that was answered as I already receieved my first letter back last night. Praise God for giving me the reminder that he is in control and will provide everything that I need just when I need it most! I nearly cried.
I also had my last Bible Study last night. This amazing group of people have been such an integral part of my life these past two years. Many of them have seen me ball my eyes out as I searched for the words to express my pain and frustration. They have been there through me starting grad school and leaving grad school, two break-ups, my sister's wedding...and a long list of events. I know that I wouldn't be the Christian that I am without each one of them and the unique contributions that they have all made to my life. It is such a blessing to have strong Christian friends who care for you so deeply. I will miss them all so much next year. Even though we usually just made fun of each other...some of the most poinent conversations of my life took place within that group. I am crying while writing this and my heart feels an overwhelming sensation of gratitude.
After all of this, I also went out with my roomie last night to a late-night chick flick. It was such an unrealistic story-line, but spurred us both into a world of fairy tales where true love conquers all. I wish I could say that this affected me deeply, but all I could feel when I got out of the theatre was disbelief...I think I'm turning into a permanant relationship skeptic. It's not as though I've dated lots of people, because I haven't...it's just that those I have dated I truly cared for and I felt so dissillusioned when things didn't work out the way that I had pictured in my romance fairy tale. I'm not going to throw in the towel and become a spinster at the ripe old age of 23, but a little romance certainly wouldn't kill me. All I want is someone I like to like me back...it's not an absurd request. We'll see.
So I leave you now after my emotional rollercoaster of a day with this thought: Every day has an equal chance of becoming extraordinary. I know it sounds like a cheasy motivational speaker catch phrase...but I believe it, so back off! Watch it be a patented phrase and I'll get sued for being an optimist.

bad dreams?

Do you ever have the dream where you either have to be somewhere important or you have to get something done in a certain amount of time and everything seems to go wrong? In this dream you constantly forget things or lose things and people keep getting in your way and it seems as though you will never actually get to your destination or finish your project. For me this bad dream is currently my reality.
I have been attempting to complete and mail my support letters for my internship in Miami this fall and everything keeps going wrong. I feel as though I am that frustrated little hamster spinning madly in my wheel while the actual goal just keeps getting farther and farther away and I am making no progress at all. All I want to do is send out support letters to my friends and family so that I can afford to go to Miami for a year and minister to Latino kids. That's all. But right now it seems like this impossible task. First, I have no home computer and so I use the computer at the coffeehouse I work at...no big deal until the printer runs out of ink about 2/3 of the way through my letters. Fine, I just run to Staples to get a new cartridge. Except when I bring in the cartridge to find its full-of-ink counterpart, the people at Staples stare at me with utter confusion as if I had brought in a shard of an alien spaceship or asked for plutonium. Needless to say, I did not find my cartridge. However, I also needed more envelopes, so I do find those. I return to the coffehouse cartridge-free and ready to atleast finish what I could of the printed copies only to run out of stamps. So I get back in my car and go to the post office where I get my stamps.
I tell my sob story to a friend and she prints off the needed extra copies of the letter. Then I realize that I need more copies of the response cards...so I print those off at another friend's house. I assemble everything in my living room and feel as though I might actually complete something. I carefully stuff each envelope and seal and address them all. All that was left was to put stamps on them. But I can't find my stamps. I would like to know how 100 stamps can just dissapear, but they have. So now my letters are sitting in a box ready to be mailed and I have to go back to the post office and by more stamps. I'm sure as soon as I do the letters will spontaniously burst into flames or something of the sort. I'll let you know.

i hate cell phones

Me and cell phones, or shall I say cell phones and I have a love hate relationship. Recently my cell phone decided to frustrate me by refusing to work. It began last weekend while I was traveling to a friend's wedding. I was the maid of honor and had a lot of running around to do and was really looking forward to communicating with people by cell phone....but alas my plans were thwarted by my evil and unresponsive cell phone. It would tease me with a signal....just to loose it exactly when I pushed the button to make a call. I would think to myself...surely you are smarter than a cell phone and you can sneak in a call before it looses the signal again...not so much. So I made it through the weekend cell phone free. Because I work two jobs and enjoy sleeping in my spare time, it took me a week to have the opportunity to drive up to Ye Old Cell Phone Shoppe, which shall remain nameless at this point in time. I then tested my patience by waiting in line for what seemed like an eternity (and in reality was aproximately an hour and a half, aparantly eternity is shorter than we thought). The woman behind the customer service counter than gave me a replacement phone and I was overjoyed at the thought of having my cell phone once again at my disposal. I checked my v-mail with extreme elation and found that people were baffled that I had not 1. answered my phone or 2. called them back. Unfortunatly I could not let them know my cell phone was not working...becuase my cell phone was not working. One message in particular warrented a call-back, but unfortunately I had to go to work...so I would wait to call that person back until later. But later was not to be...for in that short time that I was working my cell phone (that is my NEW cell phone) also decided to revolt against it's supposed purpose and refuse to work. So now I must travel back up to Ye Old Cell Phone Shoppe and ask for yet another phone...which I am sure will stop working. I hate cell phones.

a brief introduction

Okay..so I got a little carried away with my thoughts that I forgot to introduce myself and the point of this little site. Most of those who will be wandering across this information will be my friends and/or family members and already know me. However, for those of you who are lucky enough to find this nugget of wisdom and joy amongst the vastness of cyberspace allow myself to introduce...myself (an Austin Powers reference...just so no one thinks I've lost it).
As you can already guess...I like to talk and writing in something like this is almost as good as having a conversation where you are the one that gets to do all the talking! I am an extreme extrovert and am suprised that I have not given in to pop culture and peer pressure to divulge my thoughts earlier than today. I guess the feeling of sharing psuedo-intimate thoughts with complete strangers through the miracle that is modern technology was a little forboding. But I am attempting it anyway...even if I am the only one who finds this site entertaining.
I will spare you my life's history and do as little name-dropping as possible so that you can keep up. I grew up in the Chicago suburbs in a little village called Westmont. I came from the block where everyone has fenced in yards, two cars, two kids, and a cat or dog. We really did have block parties every year...it was awesome. I went to the same small school district my entire elemetary and secondary education. My college education came from Lincoln Christian College, a small private college in the middle of nowhere Illinois. It was a very small school and I loved it. I moved to Cincinnati for grad school, where I promptly left my program and have been working excessive hours as a waitress and coffee shop barista. Let me tell you one thing...school is easier. So now I am planning on moving to Miami, Florida in September to pursue an inner-city ministry internship for a yaer. After that....who knows. But I'm sure I'll keep everyone who visits this site up to date with my oh-so-exciting life. So keep checking...I don't even know what I'll say half the time.

my thoughts on hillary

So...I've been reading Hillary Rodham Clinton's book "Living History." It's interesting to learn about her life and times (especially pre-Bill days). I'm not sure what the intent of the book was..perhaps to personalize her to voters or push her political agendas or just to tell a story that a lot of people are curious to read. She does drop about two names per pharagraph which makes it a little thick to wade through and comprehend. For example, here is a sample from page 97: "Carl Wagner, a longtime Democratic activist and father of an only daughter, told Bill he would effectively be turning his daughter into an orphan. Mickey Kantor delivered the same message while he and Bill sat on the back porch of the Governor's Mansion."
Some people claim that Hillary should run for president. I brought up the subject at work and we had a hour long debate about the issue. One guy in particular said that there was "no way that a chick could be president." This sparked some issued within the women of the group...probably not a smart move on his part seeing as he was the only male amongst us. I'm not sure if a woman will be president within my lifetime, much less the next five years. But even though I don't agree with all of Hillary's political ideologies, I would probably vote for her becuase I do want to see what a woman president would be like. She is an extremely intelligent woman who holds a lot of similar passions as I do concerning child wellfare and women's rights.
With presidential elections approaching I feel so overwhelmed by politics and "American ideals." Do I know enough about politics to make an educated decision about any candidate. It seems to me as if it would be a full-time job to really get to understand every candidate for each position. Do we really know who we are voting for? what we are voting for? Or do we just vote for the person that looks the best, or has the best campaign package? I know that I usually just voted republican, but am now looking broader than I used to at all candidates regardless of party affiliations. But I still have no idea what I'm doing. So as far as I know...Hillary could be president. Who knows?